I am trying to see who I was before she,
the hidden girl child,
was blinded by another's sadistic rage
His fire and brimstone succor
and suppliance demaded scourged
deep gashes of doubt into her core.
Washing her feet he stood under, yet over her
looming and whispering the end of time,
and God's eyes always upon us,
even in MY shame/blame.
Before seduction, confusion, abandonnment
from yet another I loved who swore unending love
and even passion from my naive supple skin,
I was her, the now hidden girl child.
Wide eyed, mischievous, ignored at best,
Told I was selfish and disloyal, a betrayer,
silenced at school, stalked by narcissist
parent's and "lover's" gaze, I becan to see
myself and all other's reactions through
their skewed and distorting lenses...
And I ran, deep into myself, protected by
a newcomer I mistook for my Nemesis,
my shameful, rebellious shadow, my protectress.
And now she gives me glimpses and smells,
tastes and colors, and sometimes I can cry
for the reality of my pain,
and other times I am numbed.
Dislocated, altered, dismembered girl child still.
I haven't met her, or made her whole yet.