JOKES or FUNNY STORIES

[bench]

ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS HOSPITAL CHARTS


1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. THE PATIENT REFUSED AUTOPSY.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[bench]

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to The Oval Office. Enter the
National Security Adviser, Condoleeza Rice.)


George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

[Luc]

one there was george bush and colin pile (mis-spell??) and they were sitting in a reguler resturant. and when a waiter comes he is very surprise. and greats them and so forth. and after the usual shock and the autograph the waiter asks the president "why are you here ? shouldnt you be in some fancy resturant or something"

then bush looks at the guy and says " well here we can talk normal. and we were just discussing about this new plan that will kill thousands of innocent people and one hot blond with big tits. now what are you thoughts on that"

the waiter thought about it then finally said. " why a hot blond with big tits?"

president bush looked to conlin and said" see i told you they wouldnt care about the innocent poeple."

[Leah06]

LALALALALA! HAHAHAHAHA! THATS SOOOO FUNNY!

[Luc]

joke i heard at football practice.:
whats the difference between a blond and a mosquito?
a mosquito stops sucking..

lol um yeah anyways..

there was once this blond driving down the road, a "sea" of wheat on both her sides. when she dicides to pull over and you know get out and strentch her legs. get some air, stuff like that.
when all of a sudden she sees this blond out in the wheat field in a row boat, rowing away yet getting no where.
the blond that got out of the car got somewhat angry and she went to the edge of the road and screamed out to the blond in the boat.
"hey you dimwit, its blonds like you that make us other blondes look dumb." everything was quiet. "are you even listening" she yelled yet again..
she was getting a little more upset, like anyone would when someone ignores you then she screamed out:
"your lucky i cant swim, cuz if i could i'll swim over there and kick your ass"

lol

[Dreamer]

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are
copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the
cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs
to look for him. Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar,he
finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He
asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."

[Leah06]

how do you put an elephant into a plastic safe way bag?

you take the f out of safe and the f out of way.

[Stacey]

NO, i'm not a blonde....

Before Christmas, my 7 year old came home from school with a little snow globe she had made for my grandparents as a Christmas gift. It was made out of a baby food jar, some water, glitter and a little gingerbread boy that was glued inside of the the jar. There was a pretty piece of material tied ontop of the lid with a little green ribbon. She was so proud of herself and really looking forward to giving this thing to her great grandparents.

It was cute, but the material kept sliding off. So.... I decided i was going to fix it. I was in the kitchen and got a little tube of superglue out. I asked my husband how dangerous superglue was, because i had never used it before. He said, "Just be really careful Stace. "

I thought, " NO Problem" I carefully unscrewed the lid of the glue and squeezed just a tiny drop ontop of the baby jar lid. I gently placed the material ontop of the dab of glue and then pressed on the material with my thumb.
HUGE MISTAKE!! I never ever thought the glue would soak through the material.
I lifted up my hand and the entire snowglobe was stuck fast to my thumb !! I stood there, while it dangled from my thumb, looked over at my husband and said "Welp, i guess i'll have to go live with grandma and grandpa now, because I'm friggin stuck to their Chrismas present" He just stood there smiling and shaking his head. He was probably thinking "What a moron!"

Then i said " How am i going to get this damn thing off ? "
He said, " You're gonna have to rip it off Stace, I told you to be careful "
Poor Autumn, (my little girl) went running into her bedroom. (lol) It really freaked her out.

It was a little painful, and i had to wear a band aid for a few days, but Thank God we didn't have to call 911.

I hope grandma and grandpa are enjoying their snowglobe with a little piece of my skin attatched to it.

[Leah06]

i was on a band trip and we stoped at ismo beach for the night and right after i got off the bus i went looking for my room mates and one of them took off with our keys so i was franticly searching cuz it was raining. well i found her and we walked into the hotel room and the first thing i saw was that balconey so i went running over say "oh cool a balcony, let me see if we have a beach view" i opend the sliding door and ran right into the screen. i didnt even see it! it was so embarassing! especially since my friends were on the ground laughing and one of them was on the phone with their bf! who was with his friends and told all of them and they were all laughing at me. so after that we left the room to get some food and had to go back for our "loghts out" yea right! teenage girls at a hotel at 10pm i think not. we stayed up till 2 am and thats when i discoverd i left my suitcase on the bus! i mean everything i didnt even have a brush! and we werent alowed to leave the room after 10pm and the busses were locked! so i had to sleep in my dirty sweaty cloths from that day! and when we woke up (we had plans to walk on the beach with a few guy friends and watch the sunrise) we were up at 5 and it was hella raining! so i threw on my pants wnt went running out of the hotel only to find that the guys didnt show up! so i went back soaking wet in desprite need for a shower and i left my key indise! so i had to bang on the door for 15 min to wake my gal pals up! then the flipping power went out so there wasent any electricity or hot water! so i am in a bad mood, im tierd, i am wet, i look like crap, and feel like crap. so we went to go have brekfats (10 blocks awy) well it was still closed so we waited outside for about 45 min along with about 20 other band students in the rain waiting for the dam place to open! and to top that off, we were told their power along with all of pismo beach had no power. so we had a 20$ meal (cold buffet) each! and the waitresses were complaining because we wouldent tip them because it was a buffet! hello! so i got on a bus with 45 other band kids wet, pissed off, and looking like crap. that wasent my day!

[Dreamer]

Just ASK A DIETICIAN

Q : I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.

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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more
than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your
recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

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Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As
we all know, scientists divide everything in the world in to three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements,
so that only leave one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a
beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one
to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

*****************************************************

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain?....Good.

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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?

*******************************************************

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

*******************************************************

Q: Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! ! ! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

*******************************************************

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . .Cocoa beans . . .another vegetable! ! !
"It's the best feel-good food around."

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This should clear up any misconceptions you may have had about food and
diets. Have a cookie . . . flour is a veggie! ! ! One more thing . .
"When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt."