Dracula's walking down the street when two tons of prawn sandwich, pizza slices, sausage rolls, chicken wings and coleslaw fall on him out of the sky.
"Oh no!" he cries with a dying breath.
"It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer."
A man sees a sign on a building site which reads: "Handyman wanted." So he walks in and applies.
The foreman asks him: "Can you lay bricks?".
The man replies "Err no."
The foreman says: "So can you do plumbing?"
"Sorry, no" says the man.
"Can you drive a digger?"
He shakes his head.
The foreman says: "So what makes you think you're a handyman?"
The man replies: "Well, I only live round the corner."
Q: How do lions recharge their laptops?
A: They plug them into the manes.
JOKES or FUNNY STORIES
by Dreamer » Sun Sep 11, 2005 4:12 pm
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
going to ask the congregation to come up with more money
than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But
you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost
twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-
Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the
permanent organist.
going to ask the congregation to come up with more money
than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist
was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last
minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But
you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost
twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-
Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the
permanent organist.
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Tue Dec 13, 2005 9:30 pm
At the conclusion of his lecture to a group of young recruits,
the legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot
up. "What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"
Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied, "An airplane at
eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."
the legendary paratrooper asked for questions. A hand shot
up. "What made you decide to make that first jump, sir?"
Without hesitating, the paratrooper replied, "An airplane at
eighteen thousand feet with three dead engines."
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Tue Dec 13, 2005 9:30 pm
A couple decided to take their teenage daughter to a shopping
mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting
ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts
and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband
over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the
mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they
were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to
say about that, too!"
"Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my
phone number!"
mall in a nearby town one weekend. As they were getting
ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts
and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband
over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the
mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they
were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to
say about that, too!"
"Yes dear," she said, "you did . . . you asked me for my
phone number!"
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:43 am
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and
a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a
challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:43 am
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the
nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess
where!"
frequencies.
So, this was his first time approaching a field during the
nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess
where!"
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Wed Dec 14, 2005 7:45 am
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning
building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the
street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a
tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the
Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the
Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with
Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on
the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled
the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket
away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back
away from it . . ."
building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the
street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the
blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a
tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the
Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the
Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with
Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The
firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on
the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled
the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket
away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna
convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So
what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back
away from it . . ."
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Sun May 14, 2006 5:14 pm
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument
about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for
days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had
enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and
from those results,I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured,
and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of
them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of
his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed. "That's not fair!
He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
"Jesus saves."
about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for
days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had
enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and
from those results,I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and
typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was
faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured,
and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of
them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of
his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he
screamed. "That's not fair!
He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't
have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
"Jesus saves."
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Sun May 14, 2006 5:21 pm
Only at Walmart !!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!!!
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart!!!
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
- Posts: 594
- Joined: Wed Oct 23, 2002 4:37 pm
- Location: Indiana, US
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