JOKES or FUNNY STORIES

[Dreamer]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes and says: "Nice
pigs, sir." The President replies "These are not pigs...these Are authentic
Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes and says,
"Excellent trade, sir..."

[Leah06]

LOL. USMC <3

[Dreamer]

On the first
day, God created the dog and said:
 
'Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give
you a life span of twenty years.'
 
The dog said: 'That's a long time
to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other
ten?'
 
So God agreed.
 
On the second day, God created
the monkey and said:
 
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them
laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
 
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about20I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
 
And God
agreed.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and
said:
 
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.'
 
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other
forty?'
 
And God agreed again.
 
On the fourth day, God
created humans and said:
 
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your
life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
 
But the human said:
'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
 
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for
it.'
 
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play
and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support
our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
 
Life has now been explained to
you.
 

[Dreamer]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'


St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !


1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 
                 


2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

              
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


   


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out
a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[Dreamer]

 *Two men were sitting next to each
other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at

 the other and says, 'I can't help but think,
from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'
*
 The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I
am!' *
 
*The first guy says, 'So am I! And where
about from Ireland might you be'? *
 
*The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I
am.'*
 
*The first guy responds, 'So am I!' *

 
*'Sure and begorra. And what street did you
live on in Dublin ?*
 
*The other guy says, 'A lovely little area
it was. I lived on McCleary Street
  in the old
central part of town.'*
 
*The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small
world. So did I! So did I! **
 
*And to what school would you have been
going'? **
 
*The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to
St. Mary's, of course.' *
 
*The first guy gets really excited and says,
'And so did I. Tell me, what
  year did you
graduate'? *
 
*The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's
see. I graduated in 1964. '*
 
*The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must
be smiling down upon us! I can
  hardly believe
our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can
you believe it?
  I graduated from St. Mary's in
1964 my own self!'*
 
*About this time, Vicky walks into the bar,
sits down and orders a beer.*
 
*Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky,
shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long
night tonight.' *
 
*Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? *

 
*'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'*

[Dreamer]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all
about it.


If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining
children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning,
with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly,

'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,

'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face
and bellowed,

'WHERE IS GOD?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home
and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What
happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath,
replied,

'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'

[Dreamer]

Hotel Bill -

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne .
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and
they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,

but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hand them a bill for $450.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.
He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.

When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains
that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference
centre tha were available for the husband and wife to use.

'But we didn't use them,' the man complains

'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the
shows for which the hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,
'complains the man again.

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the
Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  the man
replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at thq cheque.
'But sir,' he says, 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged
you $400 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager..

'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here
and you could   have!'

[Dreamer]

If you receive an email from the Department of Health
telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu..............

Ignore it.

It's just spam.

[Dreamer]

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If a pig loses it's voice, is it disgruntled?
I was cut out to be rich, but I was sewed up wrong.
Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else...
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges...
I don't understand how I got over the hill - without ever being on top.
Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click "start"?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the back pain medicine always on the bottom shelf?

[Dreamer]

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.