JOKES or FUNNY STORIES

[Dreamer]

It's become almost routine for members of the American press
to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush
administration.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin
Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently
hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter.

According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds
asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans
can locate Iraq on a map?"

"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right.
But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."

[Dreamer]

A prominent young attorney was on his way to
court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit
when he suddenly found himself at the Gates
of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him
inside, when he began to protest that his
untimely death had to be some sort of mistake.
"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St.
Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young
to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to
check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he
told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake
must be yours, my son. We verified your age on
the basis of the number of hours you've billed
to your clients, and you're at least 108."

[Ghost]

A blonde a brunette and a red head are walking through the park one day and they run across a bottle. Of course, they rub it and a genie pops out. He said,"Thank you for releasing me from that bottle and for that I'll give you all one wish. Just slide down that slide and say what you want and you'll get it."

The brunette goes first. She slides down the slide and says,"diamonds, diamonds, diamonds." Poof, she gets a crap load of diamonds.

The red head goes next and when she slides down, she says,"money, money, money." Poof, she gets tons of money.

The blonde goes last and while sliding down the slide she says,"weeee weee wee." Splash!!

*I know tons of blonde jokes because I am one, sorry if they offend any other blondes out there*

[rubydragon]

English, Irishman And Scotsman,
each imprisoned for thirty years with anything they would like:

The Englishman says Thirty years supply of Gin
The Scotsman says Thirty years supply of Whisky
The Irishman says Thirty years supply of cigarettes

Thirty years later they open the Englishmans cell, they find him dead with alcohol poisoning

they then open the Scotsmans cell, they find him dead of alcohol posioning

they then open the Irishmansw cell, to find him stood there with cigarette in his mouth with the response "got a light mate?"



No offence to anyone out there for the simple fact myblood is all three English, Irish and Scottish

[LinzAy]

i'm part scottish

[rubydragon]

cool

[Dreamer]

The boss of Stone Marketing called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

The Top Ten


10. Viagra, Whaazzzz Up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper!

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Tastes great! More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis...This is your penis on drugs.

[Dreamer]

A mother took her three-year-old daughter to church for the first
time.

The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down
the aisle, carrying lighted candles.

All was quiet until the little girl started to sing in a loud voice,
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you . . . "

[Dreamer]

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one
morning, I answered the telephone. When the caller asked for
field engineering, I explained that it was before normal business
hours, but that I would help if I could.

"What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to
talk to someone who knows something."

[bench]

This only happens here in my part of the world!

On Jeepney and Bus signs: "Before pay, tell where get the on before get the off",

"Don't get closed to me, get closed to God" (bumper sticker)

On window of a restaurant : " Wanted: Boy Waitress "

On a video rental shop: MASTERVISION