her's da story...hope it inspires u 2write
Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2003 3:02 amhmm how do i start...
ok... i was born in yugoslavia which as probably most of u now know does no longer exist. ma childhood was great...we lived in the CBD in a high rise unit...both my parents owned their own business so we were really well off...each year during summer we would travel to the adreatic sea. god that was soo beautiful...to this day i have not yet seen beaches as beautiful as that. the sea would always be that geeny blue colour...like the one you always see on post cards of some tropical island...there was never any waves or rips or sharks so you cloud literaly swim as far out as you please with out the worry of being eaten or swept away or any crap like that...the beaches never had seand on them...instead they were made up of pebbles...and the water was always crystal clear...absolutely breath taking...
during the winter months we would retreat to the alps...every year of course...i can still remeber the smell of winter...now i know most of you know what im talking about but i havent seen snow in over 10 years now so 4me its a big deal...anyway as i was saying i can still remember that smell...so fresh and clean...it dint even feel like air when u breathed it in cos it was so clean...we would always get this lil house near da ski resorts...n me n ma lil bor would go skiing..sometimes all the kids would get together...we would split in 2 groups give our selfs about and hour or so to make a base out of the snow n then we would play war with snowballs...we would usually cheat and put water on out snowballs so they turn into ice...damn they used to hurt...
it was like that year in n year out till i was bout 8...then it began...the civil war in yugoslavia started...i lost 3of my closest friends during the first month of the war...one was fishing with his dad and sum1 launced a mortar shell at them...i dint see it happen but i remember overhearing my parnts say that the bodies were complety torn apart...my other friend died in her sleep..or so they say...she lived in the building next to ours...a rocket went thru their unit...i remember walking out that night and seing a big black hole where her window used to be...and my other friend got blown apart in the middle of a park...some basterds decided to plant a bomb in a toy fire engine...he was jst walking..saw it n picked it up...boom...they were all my age...bout 8....things jst got worse....power was cut for days on end...water was cut...everything was looted and snipers made homes on top of the building usually killing anyone they got da chance to...few months into the war the city was like a mass grave yard…bodies were all over the streets….well bodies and body pieces…eventually we decided to leave the city and go a war free place…unfortunately my dad couldn’t come with us…all males 18 n over were obliged to join the army and fight..if he tried to get out with us he would have been killed for sure..so there we were me ma bro n ma mum…nothing but a back pack on each of us…packed with only the bare essentials for survival…we eventually got out of the city and settled down in a peaceful one…war continued to rage throughout Yugoslavia over the years so eventually we decided to come to Australia…my dad was still stuck…by this time I have not seen or heard from him for over 2 years…oh and I almost 4got…before we were to leave I woke up in the middle of da night for sum reason…I heard ma mum havin sex…dunno wif who but I know what I heard…I hated ha for duin dat…of course I never said anything to anyone bout it…
so there we were jst settled down again and once again we had 2 move…we arrived in Australia during winter…1st thing I noticed was dat ma uncle, who picked us up from da airport was wearing a short sleeve shirt…I never saw anyone wear a short sleeve shirt during winter before…in Yugoslavia the temp during winter usually reached bout -15 degrees celsius….
Anyway here we were other end of da world..different language..different culture…
My mum got a job in a kitchen of sum restaurant to support me n ma bro…she worked like damn dog 9-5 6 days a week cant memba how much she earned but was fukin slaved labour…
I finished primary school after going to it for only 2years…by the time I got out I could fluently speak and write English….achievement n a half if u ask me…
Anyway it was time for high school…I ended up goin to the closes one to our place..and to my surprise I had bout 20 other people from ma country there….dat was great relief and my high school years flew by…few months before I was to finish the final year of high school my dad was finally able to come to Australia…by now I have not seen or spoken to him in over 7years…my mum sent thousands of dollars to people who said they could arrange for him to get out of the country…but nothing ever happened…n e way my old man came to Oz….i memba sein him 4 da first time in all those years…he was so pale unshaven and skinnier dan astick…turns out he spent last 2years in a POW camp…he was beaten a lot n his hand was bracken once…of course they dint bother getin him a doctor…so it neva healed properly n he always has trouble with it now…
N e way he got back…first few weeks were great…catching up n all…then he turned into a basterd…hed get drunk like evry night n beat my mum…I fukin hated him for dat…she worked like a dog for over 5years so she could send him money to get out earlier n all he did 2 thank ha was beat ha…. My mum put up wif it for a while but then she kicked him out of da house…she was a wreck for weeks after that…
That was the time I started usin drugz…I was always really against drugz…thought they were only 4 absolute losers…I skipped da usual soft drugz like weed n started on xtc…
That was an experience n a half…started on half a pill every other weekend…it relaxed me a lot n helped me take da mind of problemz at home…
Then I stopped after bout 2monthz…met a girl on napster one day..dunno why da hell I decided to msg ha but I did..we started talking n eventually she gave ma ha ICQ numba…we started talking over dat n a week later she gave me ha mobile number…we started talking every day for hours on end….it was like a instant click…it was unreal…n I was soo damn happy…only problem was she lived in sydney n dat is bout 15hrz drive…so we never met…anyway months went past we kept talking n grew closer n closer 2getha…one day she said she was movin up 2 da same city dat I lived in…dat day came but she never told me ha address…nervous I suppose but I played along wif it…n den one night instead of da usual good night n sweet dreamz I blurred out ‘love ya’…long pause…she dint know what to say n I felt like an idiot but we kept talking over da fone n 3days later she said she loved me 2…make a long story short we decided to be a couple…moths flew by n I jst fell deeper n deeper in love wif ha..she was 1st tru love…
March 22nd of dat year my best friends gf killed haself…she sent him a msg saying ‘never blame yourself I just must go. I will love you 4eva’ she then threw haself of a bridge…he was soo devastated…he died that moment he found out what happened…he was never da same again…3monthz later later it was his 18th…we all paid for a apartment 4 him in da city so all da clubz were real close n poop…n e way most ppl went out…I was left up there wif him…n we were jst talking bout everything….when it was time for us 2 go out he told me 2 go ahed he jst had 2 make a fone call…I went out…met up wif everyone n we had a few drinks in da club…he neva showed up….i went to call him but realised I left ma fone up at the unit….so I went back up…I found him in da bathroom…he took 10 xtc pills at once…he passed out, his toung slid down his throat n he died…he also left a note ‘whats the point of going on when you got nothing to look forward 2. at least this way ill b with her once again’
That day I part of me died with him…I never should have left him alone…I should have known there was sumfin wrong…few days later I was one of the people who carried his casket to his grave…his was my best friend since start of high school…
Few months later Andrew died…we went on a trip up north one day..Andrew was always the one who would stick up for anyone at anytime…we got into a brawl and sum basted stabbed him..we all watched him die b4 da ambulance cud get 2 him…
That’s when I stared the drugs again….half a pill every now n then…helpd me escape…
A year or so later my ‘girlfriend’ broke up wif me…no reason what so ever…it fukin kelled me inside…I was with her for a year n a half…n yeah we never met but I loved her so much….i even bought a ring 4 ha..she dint know bout it offcourse…that’s when I went from half a pill to a whole pill..every single weekend…one day she came on ICQ n told me y she broke it off…she lied to me bout moving up here and some other stuff…she said she jst couldn’t lie n e more…I dint care bout ha lying I jst wanted 2 b wif ha 4da rest of ma life…I told ha this n all she could say is im sorry but we have to move on…so I did a few months later…I also started taking pills a few times a week…eventually I stated getin so depressed I was gonna commit suicide on my 19th…I figure if I overdose no one would know it was suicide…it would b jst another kid who went 2 far…my 19th came….i took one pill..then 2…then I couldn’t take anymore…I looked round n so many ppl came to see me…so couldn’t do it then..i could let them all see die cos I know how it feels to see a friend die in front of you…
Eventually I started university…I graduated at the top of my year level in high school…uni was a huge step up…I struggled at 1st 4 a while but found my feet…she would come on ICQ once every 2months or so…id try talking 2 ha but we would always end up screaming at each other….it hurt so much to see ha get further n further away from me…I wanted to at least save the friendship cos we were so good 4 each other…but she couldn’t do it…I understood why…I mean we never held a conversation wifout fighting…she had a bf…I had a gf…
Then one day she asks me to get back together…give it another try…she said shed dup ha bf 4 me…but I couldn’t dump my gf…shes so good 2 me n treats me so well…she loves me n I love ha n there is no way I could jst break up wif ha cos my ex changed ha mind…last time I talked to my ex she said she couldn’t talk 2 me anymore…she dinbt wanna stay friends or stay in touch cos she couldn’t have what she wanted and it hurt ha 2much 2 know im wif sum 1 else…so what was it…3years down the drain and for what…just silly little fears…
Time went on…I stared having more n more pills…any time of day any day of da week..dint matter anymore…
I started to fail university…my mum has such great expectation of me…me n ma bro is all she has left…I couldn’t quit uni I would kill ha…so I keep going…keep taking more drugs…I still watch ha work ha ass off for me n ma bro…to get him thru high school n me thru uni…I love ha 2much to let ha down da way I am…but I cant help it..i lost focus in life…I don’t know what im duing anymore or why im duing it…I get depressed every now n then..recently its getin real scary…I find myself sitin on my bed with a knife pressed against my wrists…so many times bout jst ending it all..i mean who gives a fuk anymore…why bother fighting when sooner or later ill jst fall again…hwats there 2 luk 4ward 2? I will fail uni…y stick round n let ma mum watch me fall…n ma lil bro…seriously…why bother…I had enuf of this life…soon my time will come…I know it…I can feel it…till then I jst gota make sure everyone knows how much they mean 2 me…I gotta make peace wif God…once I do all that…may God have mercy on ma soul…cos after that…only he can judge me…
ok... i was born in yugoslavia which as probably most of u now know does no longer exist. ma childhood was great...we lived in the CBD in a high rise unit...both my parents owned their own business so we were really well off...each year during summer we would travel to the adreatic sea. god that was soo beautiful...to this day i have not yet seen beaches as beautiful as that. the sea would always be that geeny blue colour...like the one you always see on post cards of some tropical island...there was never any waves or rips or sharks so you cloud literaly swim as far out as you please with out the worry of being eaten or swept away or any crap like that...the beaches never had seand on them...instead they were made up of pebbles...and the water was always crystal clear...absolutely breath taking...
during the winter months we would retreat to the alps...every year of course...i can still remeber the smell of winter...now i know most of you know what im talking about but i havent seen snow in over 10 years now so 4me its a big deal...anyway as i was saying i can still remember that smell...so fresh and clean...it dint even feel like air when u breathed it in cos it was so clean...we would always get this lil house near da ski resorts...n me n ma lil bor would go skiing..sometimes all the kids would get together...we would split in 2 groups give our selfs about and hour or so to make a base out of the snow n then we would play war with snowballs...we would usually cheat and put water on out snowballs so they turn into ice...damn they used to hurt...
it was like that year in n year out till i was bout 8...then it began...the civil war in yugoslavia started...i lost 3of my closest friends during the first month of the war...one was fishing with his dad and sum1 launced a mortar shell at them...i dint see it happen but i remember overhearing my parnts say that the bodies were complety torn apart...my other friend died in her sleep..or so they say...she lived in the building next to ours...a rocket went thru their unit...i remember walking out that night and seing a big black hole where her window used to be...and my other friend got blown apart in the middle of a park...some basterds decided to plant a bomb in a toy fire engine...he was jst walking..saw it n picked it up...boom...they were all my age...bout 8....things jst got worse....power was cut for days on end...water was cut...everything was looted and snipers made homes on top of the building usually killing anyone they got da chance to...few months into the war the city was like a mass grave yard…bodies were all over the streets….well bodies and body pieces…eventually we decided to leave the city and go a war free place…unfortunately my dad couldn’t come with us…all males 18 n over were obliged to join the army and fight..if he tried to get out with us he would have been killed for sure..so there we were me ma bro n ma mum…nothing but a back pack on each of us…packed with only the bare essentials for survival…we eventually got out of the city and settled down in a peaceful one…war continued to rage throughout Yugoslavia over the years so eventually we decided to come to Australia…my dad was still stuck…by this time I have not seen or heard from him for over 2 years…oh and I almost 4got…before we were to leave I woke up in the middle of da night for sum reason…I heard ma mum havin sex…dunno wif who but I know what I heard…I hated ha for duin dat…of course I never said anything to anyone bout it…
so there we were jst settled down again and once again we had 2 move…we arrived in Australia during winter…1st thing I noticed was dat ma uncle, who picked us up from da airport was wearing a short sleeve shirt…I never saw anyone wear a short sleeve shirt during winter before…in Yugoslavia the temp during winter usually reached bout -15 degrees celsius….
Anyway here we were other end of da world..different language..different culture…
My mum got a job in a kitchen of sum restaurant to support me n ma bro…she worked like damn dog 9-5 6 days a week cant memba how much she earned but was fukin slaved labour…
I finished primary school after going to it for only 2years…by the time I got out I could fluently speak and write English….achievement n a half if u ask me…
Anyway it was time for high school…I ended up goin to the closes one to our place..and to my surprise I had bout 20 other people from ma country there….dat was great relief and my high school years flew by…few months before I was to finish the final year of high school my dad was finally able to come to Australia…by now I have not seen or spoken to him in over 7years…my mum sent thousands of dollars to people who said they could arrange for him to get out of the country…but nothing ever happened…n e way my old man came to Oz….i memba sein him 4 da first time in all those years…he was so pale unshaven and skinnier dan astick…turns out he spent last 2years in a POW camp…he was beaten a lot n his hand was bracken once…of course they dint bother getin him a doctor…so it neva healed properly n he always has trouble with it now…
N e way he got back…first few weeks were great…catching up n all…then he turned into a basterd…hed get drunk like evry night n beat my mum…I fukin hated him for dat…she worked like a dog for over 5years so she could send him money to get out earlier n all he did 2 thank ha was beat ha…. My mum put up wif it for a while but then she kicked him out of da house…she was a wreck for weeks after that…
That was the time I started usin drugz…I was always really against drugz…thought they were only 4 absolute losers…I skipped da usual soft drugz like weed n started on xtc…
That was an experience n a half…started on half a pill every other weekend…it relaxed me a lot n helped me take da mind of problemz at home…
Then I stopped after bout 2monthz…met a girl on napster one day..dunno why da hell I decided to msg ha but I did..we started talking n eventually she gave ma ha ICQ numba…we started talking over dat n a week later she gave me ha mobile number…we started talking every day for hours on end….it was like a instant click…it was unreal…n I was soo damn happy…only problem was she lived in sydney n dat is bout 15hrz drive…so we never met…anyway months went past we kept talking n grew closer n closer 2getha…one day she said she was movin up 2 da same city dat I lived in…dat day came but she never told me ha address…nervous I suppose but I played along wif it…n den one night instead of da usual good night n sweet dreamz I blurred out ‘love ya’…long pause…she dint know what to say n I felt like an idiot but we kept talking over da fone n 3days later she said she loved me 2…make a long story short we decided to be a couple…moths flew by n I jst fell deeper n deeper in love wif ha..she was 1st tru love…
March 22nd of dat year my best friends gf killed haself…she sent him a msg saying ‘never blame yourself I just must go. I will love you 4eva’ she then threw haself of a bridge…he was soo devastated…he died that moment he found out what happened…he was never da same again…3monthz later later it was his 18th…we all paid for a apartment 4 him in da city so all da clubz were real close n poop…n e way most ppl went out…I was left up there wif him…n we were jst talking bout everything….when it was time for us 2 go out he told me 2 go ahed he jst had 2 make a fone call…I went out…met up wif everyone n we had a few drinks in da club…he neva showed up….i went to call him but realised I left ma fone up at the unit….so I went back up…I found him in da bathroom…he took 10 xtc pills at once…he passed out, his toung slid down his throat n he died…he also left a note ‘whats the point of going on when you got nothing to look forward 2. at least this way ill b with her once again’
That day I part of me died with him…I never should have left him alone…I should have known there was sumfin wrong…few days later I was one of the people who carried his casket to his grave…his was my best friend since start of high school…
Few months later Andrew died…we went on a trip up north one day..Andrew was always the one who would stick up for anyone at anytime…we got into a brawl and sum basted stabbed him..we all watched him die b4 da ambulance cud get 2 him…
That’s when I stared the drugs again….half a pill every now n then…helpd me escape…
A year or so later my ‘girlfriend’ broke up wif me…no reason what so ever…it fukin kelled me inside…I was with her for a year n a half…n yeah we never met but I loved her so much….i even bought a ring 4 ha..she dint know bout it offcourse…that’s when I went from half a pill to a whole pill..every single weekend…one day she came on ICQ n told me y she broke it off…she lied to me bout moving up here and some other stuff…she said she jst couldn’t lie n e more…I dint care bout ha lying I jst wanted 2 b wif ha 4da rest of ma life…I told ha this n all she could say is im sorry but we have to move on…so I did a few months later…I also started taking pills a few times a week…eventually I stated getin so depressed I was gonna commit suicide on my 19th…I figure if I overdose no one would know it was suicide…it would b jst another kid who went 2 far…my 19th came….i took one pill..then 2…then I couldn’t take anymore…I looked round n so many ppl came to see me…so couldn’t do it then..i could let them all see die cos I know how it feels to see a friend die in front of you…
Eventually I started university…I graduated at the top of my year level in high school…uni was a huge step up…I struggled at 1st 4 a while but found my feet…she would come on ICQ once every 2months or so…id try talking 2 ha but we would always end up screaming at each other….it hurt so much to see ha get further n further away from me…I wanted to at least save the friendship cos we were so good 4 each other…but she couldn’t do it…I understood why…I mean we never held a conversation wifout fighting…she had a bf…I had a gf…
Then one day she asks me to get back together…give it another try…she said shed dup ha bf 4 me…but I couldn’t dump my gf…shes so good 2 me n treats me so well…she loves me n I love ha n there is no way I could jst break up wif ha cos my ex changed ha mind…last time I talked to my ex she said she couldn’t talk 2 me anymore…she dinbt wanna stay friends or stay in touch cos she couldn’t have what she wanted and it hurt ha 2much 2 know im wif sum 1 else…so what was it…3years down the drain and for what…just silly little fears…
Time went on…I stared having more n more pills…any time of day any day of da week..dint matter anymore…
I started to fail university…my mum has such great expectation of me…me n ma bro is all she has left…I couldn’t quit uni I would kill ha…so I keep going…keep taking more drugs…I still watch ha work ha ass off for me n ma bro…to get him thru high school n me thru uni…I love ha 2much to let ha down da way I am…but I cant help it..i lost focus in life…I don’t know what im duing anymore or why im duing it…I get depressed every now n then..recently its getin real scary…I find myself sitin on my bed with a knife pressed against my wrists…so many times bout jst ending it all..i mean who gives a fuk anymore…why bother fighting when sooner or later ill jst fall again…hwats there 2 luk 4ward 2? I will fail uni…y stick round n let ma mum watch me fall…n ma lil bro…seriously…why bother…I had enuf of this life…soon my time will come…I know it…I can feel it…till then I jst gota make sure everyone knows how much they mean 2 me…I gotta make peace wif God…once I do all that…may God have mercy on ma soul…cos after that…only he can judge me…
