Any criticism welcome!

[chishimba]

Hello everyone,

Thanks to Ben Franklin, I've found my way onto this site. I've been writing poetry seriously since I got into my twenties <I'm 24>, and now that I'm sending off to publishers and agents, I would really appreciate any feedback you can give me on my work and vice versa. First up, a short one, thanks everyone! :

Playing in the Mud

Gravity defies my thoughts
pulling me down
into a chasm.

I break nails
foraging in the dirt
hitting boulders.

If the lava could hit me just once
simmering off layers
and licking bones.

I would be happy.

[Tarna]

It is an interesting peice. Poetically it works well. It flows well as a reading. My only Critisim would be how the last stanza fits in. The meaning of this stanza is somehow lost to me... you are going from the picture of being pulled down into the mud and than switch to lava which is not mud dirt or doesn't seem to follow the depressive feeling of reference ( if you are going metaphorical with this writing)

Just my perception of the reading..

(I am not an poetry expert I just play one on TV)

[chishimba]

Many thanks for the comment Tarna, it' most welcome! I think with the last stanza I included the lava because I wanted to show just how far the person in the poem wants to be 'pulled down'. They want to be swallowed up as far as the earth's core which is always illustrated in movies etc. as being made up of the same elements as a volcano.
I'm glad you think it flows as that's what I'm always going for in the editing process.
Once again, many thanks!