So i dont have anything funny to post or anything but i often go to these two websites that make me laugh EVERY TIME i go on it. And the best part is new stuff is loaded on them constantly throughout the day. Some of the stuff is slightly inappropriate so just a heads up. =]
www. fmylife .com - people post lil stories starting with 'Today' ... and ending with 'FML' meaning F*uck my life. very very funny, especially if you are havin a bad day.
and
www. textsfromlastnight .com - text messages people have received and posted. the numbers you see are area codes. You wont believe some of the things people say... funny! also makes you think a little before sending a text. haha
i hope yall check it out, leave me a message or something and let me know what you think and which one is your favorite. =]
JOKES or FUNNY STORIES
by Dreamer » Sat Aug 29, 2009 5:31 pm
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be
bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
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Dreamer - Site Admin
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by Dreamer » Sat Aug 29, 2009 5:32 pm
My wife and I are watching
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
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by Dreamer » Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:43 pm
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible
College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the
behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to
the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all
immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a
degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible
College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the
behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to
the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I
just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all
immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you knew it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,
I'm from the University of Tennessee and just graduated with a
degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in!
-
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by Dreamer » Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:45 pm
Three people walk into a bar. The first person says, "Give me an L.I.T." The bartender thinks a minute and finally asks, what is an L.I.T.?
The first person says, "Why it's a Long Island ice tea." Now I get it, says the bartender.
The second person says, "Give me an J.D.C." The bartender thinks for a minute again and finally asks, what is a J.D.C.?
The second person says, "Why it's a Jack Daniels and Coke." Ok, says the bartender. Should have gotten that one.
The third person (a blond) says, "Give me a fifteen." The bartender, not wanting to be embarrassed anymore, thinks and thinks.
Finally, the bartender gives up and asks, what is a fifteen? The third person says, "Why it's a seven and seven...duh!!"
The first person says, "Why it's a Long Island ice tea." Now I get it, says the bartender.
The second person says, "Give me an J.D.C." The bartender thinks for a minute again and finally asks, what is a J.D.C.?
The second person says, "Why it's a Jack Daniels and Coke." Ok, says the bartender. Should have gotten that one.
The third person (a blond) says, "Give me a fifteen." The bartender, not wanting to be embarrassed anymore, thinks and thinks.
Finally, the bartender gives up and asks, what is a fifteen? The third person says, "Why it's a seven and seven...duh!!"
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by Dreamer » Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:55 pm
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER .Hollywood Squares: These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Q. Paul what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde (About fifteen minutes later): Loneliness!And the audience laughed for another 10 to 15 minutes.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
-
Dreamer - Site Admin
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- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Tue Sep 29, 2009 7:33 pm
The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Army was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' and how much of it was 'pleasure?'
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A captain said it was 50-50%.
The colonel's aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, "if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
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Dreamer - Site Admin
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- Location: Indiana, US
by Dreamer » Fri Oct 02, 2009 1:36 am
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked: "Can you afford fries with that?"
It's so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
. . so bad that, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
. . so bad that Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
. . so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
. . so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
. . so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
. . so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
. . so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
. . so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
. . so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen..
Finally, Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked: "Can you afford fries with that?"
It's so bad that CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
. . so bad that, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
. . so bad that Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
. . so bad McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
. . so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
. . so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
. . so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
. . so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
. . so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.
. . so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen..
Finally, Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
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Dreamer - Site Admin
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by Dreamer » Sun Oct 04, 2009 10:22 pm
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Southwest Airlines.. The son asked his mother, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you."
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Dreamer - Site Admin
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by Dreamer » Sat Oct 24, 2009 1:41 am
~ A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
~ Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
~ The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
~ Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. ~ The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject:I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
~ Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
~ The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
~ Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. ~ The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife Subject:I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
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