so today is fathers day, and i just think, that we should have this group, and im not the only one who thinks this way, [maybe because there's so many lost children at heart out there] but i think we should have this group, called the dead beat dads anonymous. with this, every week we'd go through these exercises in which we malnourish and abandon these people for a few days at a time, and see what happens to them. we should deprive them of air and water, the things that they need to survive. metaphorically, the things that essentially make up what a father gives a child - love and nurturing. we can just sit and watch through a one-way mirror sort of like we're in a lab doing studies, only this won't be a study, this will be more of a punishment, or should i say lesson, to teach these people the way in which they have made their children live all these years. this would be no lesson learned though as we have seen in this entire lifetime, since there have been no attempts made to even redeem themselves, compassionately or in any other way, to their children.

SO with that said, id like to propose this to the government, maybe even GOD himself. because on the way home from dinner with my grandparents and mother, i seemed to be stuck in thoughts of the past and HIM and all.. and i just formulated that quick and easy plan or idea you could say, and thought it'd make for a great 'charge,' should i say? since we can't bring such petty and cliche domestic issues to court. i can't imagine how this man lives his life with his wife and other children, or how he just looks himself in the mirror, knowing all of the turbulence he has caused in the past, as well as the scars he has left behind. FURTHER. i'd just like to say, that im so enraged by this day - FATHER'S DAY - because i can't even celebrate this, this stupid holiday, for a dead beat dad. they should have a holiday for that, then i'd drink like it was new years.. but like im saying, or trying to say.. that this day fills me with such rage, because i get remarks and all that thrown at me, that im a psychotic person, that i hold grudges and have personal problems and cannot face or deal with the past from HIM, when in reality, it is he who cannot face that we will never be fixed, father and daughter will never be one in this 'family,' and the problem cannot be resolved. we have tried and we have failed, and we will keep failing. what is even more, that i cannot even explain how i embody his traits and everything he is, which is even worse for me, i curse myself to be this way, and to hurt others as i do, and to wholly and consciously take part in these tendencies, to personally hurt and bring other people down.

so i can do nothing with myself, or with him. because even tragically so, in that way, at least one way, we are ONE in misery, we are ONE in self-loathing and we are ONE in the same.. on every cruel subject that exists, ever.

sincerely, truly,
the victimized child/daughter/woman

He makes it impossible to love him.