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You wake up with no arms, you wake up having the heaviest legs ever, its like walking outside and it’s pouring the coldest rain, though you can’t feel a single rain drop. When you find love they say it’s unexplainable because really honestly that’s what it is. You are not sure how you found it once you did, though you are sure you couldn’t live without it now that you’ve found it.
So you do everything you can to make sure things are great. Time goes on you get comfortable and somewhere between here and there you end up being yourself a little too much. You end up just showing your true colors and the one who loves you back tells you they were just learning to love you, as if 2 years 3 months 9 days weren’t as true as you truly believed they were.
Ever get hit in the face and just react, ever get taken down in a football game and just get back up. This is like getting hit by a truck, and watching your soul die because your heart was finally healed from the past wounds and wars that you put it through, and finally the great one person that was your eternity destroyed every bit of hope and faith that could come from a love.
People saw us as the greatest couple, we’d do it all for each other, I guess some more than others from one side. Crushed isn’t even a mood that I feel it’s like lying on cold dirt not sand, it’s like that sick feeling after falling off something high in the air and crashing to the ground. I mean really I can’t tell you how it feels watching your Wife Leave you. All I can say is you try to make the picture on the wall look normal, but after the hurt, the cries, the looks at each other, after everything, that one time smile on the 2 of you in that picture that was placed at the perfect beach, turns into 2 separate completely different people.
So I guess you experience the same stages in death that you do when the one you fall for and I mean MARRY as in really know what the word means by saying love as you do when you see them leave your life in an uncountable amount of tears and piece from your heart.
First there’s denial. As in when you call the bluff, because they never give you a reason you ask them after they are already leaving why are they leaving and you never get an answer because no matter what you’ll never truly know what triggered the loss because you thought things that were wrong could have been talked out or worked through.
Second there’s anger, not knowing what she’s doing, if she’s cheating on you, if you can believe her when she says what she is saying, I mean she left you so why would she bother even doing what she says she’s going to do to help you after creating a real life hell for you.
Third there’s bargaining. You took all of the pictures down the marriage certificate that you proudly boasted, the memories, it’s all taken down, but you see her come over and watch 30 minutes of an hour show that gets interrupted by a friend that hid her from you and of course she leaves again, doesn’t let you know for sure if it’s over so you put everything back hoping she’ll see it and realize that she honestly doesn’t know what she wants which means she doesn’t know if leaving me is what she wants.
Fourth there’s depression. I mean only way to say that is when you get it. Crying, being physically worn out, tired, anxious, sick stomach, mentally so scared, just worried and over drawn, confused and not able to cope with reality, days go by like a blur through a train window.
Finally, there’s acceptance. You realize your fate is inevitable, you cannot change her feelings as you watch her cry and not realize why she’s doing what she’s doing, maybe out of guilt maybe out of pity, maybe because she honestly just doesn’t know what she wants to do in life. But no matter what it’s not with you because you were in her heart a long time ago, and she let you slide right off the edge and didn’t stop to think about catching you before you plummeted to the ground.
Forgiveness isn’t an option; you just have to roll with the punches. Again though feeling empty, nothing to make you actually feel like life is worth living but you go on day by day because you inside know in-time if you do the right thing, she will just be a memory. Time will let you heal, though holidays will remind you of the pain and everything you do, to watching TV, making coffee, putting clothes in the dryer, will remind you of her.
The feeling how warmth next to you in bed is gone, the comfortable feeling everyday being able to say the words I Love You, and kiss her again, Vanish. The simple everyday things you did for so long wiped out of your lives. Acceptance will take forever; I never thought I’d lose her. I never thought id see her beside me; tell me that she failed me because she is leaving me.
My nightmare and biggest fear staring at me, crying and leaving me, and looking for support from me at the same time and somehow im able to give that to her still. Yanking at both sides of my heart while trying to pick up the pieces that I can find though all the tears that have washed some of the pieces away.
Drinking coffee as usual as I write, though drinking out of the first valentines day mug that she bought for you and thinking about that first day. Memories that still and will forever crush me inside. Im already changing habits. Setting laundry aside to put away so I’d have something to do tomorrow because at least id’ kill sometime before the next day comes.
Naturally a wreck. Showing the world and people around me how hurt I am from one person. Yes feeling weaker than her. Letting it all out, I don’t know how I’ll ever feel so strong for somebody again, but only time will tell.
Though I know in only a couple days that ive done a lot of thinking, realized that I never wanna have this much pain again because it’s still inside me. Realizing that once im over her ill never go back so there is no bad ending again. Im just another guy with another ex-wife and it’s crazy to say that already.
Not enough words can describe how I feel, I never got to dance under the stars, I never got to picnic on the hill, I never got the dinner Oceanside,
I never got to show you my true love, I guess I don’t deserve too.
Goodbye the only girl that seemed to make my heart melt. Good bye to the one that knew everything about me, goodbye to the one that couldn’t ever be completely honest though I let stay in my heart. Goodbye to the one that it took all to love after the lies. Goodbye to the one that proved everybody right. Goodbye to the one that stopped all my pain. Goodbye to the one that was half of me, that made life make sense for once. Goodbye to the one that took my ability to write away, because when im happy it’s almost impossible for me to write. Most of all Goodbye to the one who cried saying “I do” and had a sparkle in her eyes after we kissed when we got married.
Taking my own advise from previous writings and running with it.
For every breath there’s a silence,
For every distance there’s a gust of wind
For every look there’s something beautiful
For every memory there’s a feeling,
For every raindrop there’s a puddle
For every dream there’s a beginning
For every possible wish there’s and end.
Take the past, set it aside, get rid of the waste, it’s full of cries,
Take the future, it’s a second away, you’ll thank me again some day.
That when you finally stop and realize what has gone by,
Your mind will catch up to you, and there will never be that blank question of why.
Your heart will mend, your soul will grow, your conscious will heal, and you will know,
To take what you have , hold it inside, keep it close, so that you will eternally feel Alive.
Goodbye to our lives, I’ve cried so many tears, and im not sure how many more I’ll cry. Though this is something you wanted and I can’t bear to deal with again. Thank you for the ups and downs because we can both learn from them. Though another writing about another heart that has to figure out how to beat again.
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