I just can't fight it.
I promised myself
that I wouldn't do it again.
I guess I'm getting used to the lie.
I hate it when I give in,
when it gets so damned overpowering
that I can't control it -
hell,- did I ever have any control over it?
It used to be so easy
to stay away from it -
I once went for months without it,
but now I can't remember how long it's been
since I was able to go for just a few weeks
or even a few days,
without going back to it.
Lately,
especially at night,
(oh, how I hate those long nights of torture!)
it really gets to me...
and I lay there wishing that I could sleep,
but it won't let me.
Sometimes it's so damn bad
that I would welcome death,
if it could come quietly;
it would be nice, in comparison,
to go to sleep, die,
and not wake up with the ungodly need
anymore.
I have worked so hard,
for such a long time,
trying to stay away,
trying not to give in,
but I guess that as time goes on,
it just gets stronger
and more demanding,
and it gets so intense!
... until I can't fight it any longer.
And I open the bottle
that has my pain medication,
and I swallow two pills.

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