Excuse me! Do you mind??
Do you really need to be that close when you read??
You’re cramping my style here!
That’s better. Now, there are a few things I need to get off my chest.
I am a cat! Do you hear me?? A CAT!!!
I am not a kitty!
I am not a tabby!
I am not a feline!
Alright, I am a feline, but I don’t like it when I’m called a feline!
It’s feminine!! It automatically makes me think of cat woman!!
Not that Halle Berry didn’t look AWESOME in that black leather suit,
BUT I’M MALE HERE!!!
Ok, maybe that’s irrational, but it’s HOW I FEEL DAMNIT!!!
Where was I? Oh yeah!
I am not a puss-in-boots!
I don’t even own boots!
And I will scratch your nose off if you call me a PUSS again!!
WHAT IDIOT CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT OF A CAT WHO
WEARS FOOTWEAR IN THE FIRST PLACE??? IT’S STUPID!!!
CATS DON’T WEAR BOOTS, YA FRICKIN’ KNUCKLEHEADS!!!
And, last but not least,
I AM NOT A PUSSY!!!
WHAT WOULD POSSESS YOU EVEN CALL A CAT SOMETHING LIKE THAT???
CATS ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT THOSE KINDS OF THINGS!!!
Yet in spite of this, we’re also very loving and generous!
We let you sleep on the bed with us, don’t we??
We keep the house free of rodents!
Yeah, maybe we do take our time throwing them out,
But it’s just so amusing watching you stand on a chair and scream,
Whenever they’re around!
Cats have a sense of humor too, ya know!
After all, we do let you humans think you own us,
Instead of the other way around!
And how do you repay us?
BY GIVING US FUZZY LITTLE BALLS WITH LITTLE BELLS INSIDE,
DIPPED IN CATNIP!!!
HOW DUMB DO YOU THINK WE ARE???
WHAT GAVE YOU THE IDEA, SOMETHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE FUN FOR US???
IF YOU WANT US TO SCRATCH THE CRAP OUT OF SOMETHING,
GIVE US A DOLL THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU!!!
TEN MINUTES, AND I’ll TURN THE STUPID THING INSIDE OUT!!!
IT’S FRUSTRATING, THAT’S ALL!
YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND US!!!
You tell us you love us, AND THEN GIVE US DRY FOOD FOR DINNER!!!
Another thing! I’d like to sink my claws into the guy who came up
With the idea that you had to put the cat out...AT NIGHT!!!
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF WE STARTED PUTTING THE HUMANS OUT???
IT’S FRICKIN’ DARK OUT THERE!!!
AND WE’RE NOT THE ONLY ONES SKULKING AROUND IN THE BLACKNESS EITHER!!!
Do you know why they say things go bump in the night?
BECAUSE YOU KEEP BUMPING INTO THINGS IN THE DARK!!!
THAT’S WHY, YOU FRICKIN’ MORONS!!!
AND SOMETIMES THINGS BUMP INTO YOU TOO!!!
YEAH! TELL ME YOU KNOW WHAT THAT"S LIKE!!
And do you know why aliens are always mutilating animals?
BECAUSE WE'RE THE ONES WHO GET PUT OUT AT NIGHT, THAT'S WHY!!!
I WANT TO SLEEP ON THE PILLOW WITH YOU, DAMNIT!!!
I’M A CAT, NOT AN ALIEN AUTOPSY PATIENT!!!
I BELONG INDOORS!!!
IF GOD MEANT FOR CATS TO BE OUTSIDE,
HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US A MEANS TO DEFEND OURSELVES!!!
LIKE SHARP CLAWS AND SHARP TEETH!!!
Um...ahem...that didn’t come out right, did it?
I think I just stuck my paw in my mouth on that one.
Maybe I should start washing them before I do that, in the future.
Stuck it in there so deep, I could even feel my kidneys.
Ya know, kidneys are squishier than you might think.
Ok...I’m gonna take a Mulligan on that one,
So just disregard the whole teeth and claws thing, ok?
What do you mean, no?
So...um...how about those Carolina Panthers, huh?
I think they could go all the way this year.
Out? You mean...ME?
C’mon, I was just playing with you.
You know, like I do with that nifty fuzzy ball you gave me?
Yup...too much fun. I'm still chuckling.
Hey, no need to shout!
How about the porch?
Can I stay on the porch?
I’ll be quiet...I SWEAR!!!
You can even call me kitty!!
Alright, PUSSY!!!
JUST DON’T THROW ME OUT THERE IN THE DARK,
WITH THE ALIENS!!!

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