You Can't Go Yet by Shiloh

You can't go yet...
your job is not over,
and I am not ready to say goodbye.
Nine years is not long enough,-
not long enough at all.
I know that I have failed you,
that I have not done everything
that I am supposed to do,
to protect you, to take care of you,
as both of us would want done,
and now we will both suffer
for what I have no control over.
It's really a very difficult thing
for me to realize and admit,
that I can't do anything to make it better,
to make the bad go away,
to take you back to where you were
before you got sick.
What hurts the most
is that I don't know how much you feel,
if you're in pain, or in fear,
or if it is just something that you accept,
not knowing any better.
You look to me to take care of you,
and for years I have done the best that I could,
but now there is not much more that I can do,
except be with you, hold you, love you...
and choke up and cry a little every now and then.
Love hurts, sometimes, when things like this happen,
and when you have no way to do anything about it at all,
and you feel so damned helpless and angry and frustrated,
and you don't know how to make the one you love
feel any better...
or to make yourself feel any better...
there is no way to do that.
It just doesn't seem fair
that money is playing such a big part in this...
and on a small disability pension,
money is something that is in very short supply.
Feline diabetes is very expensive to diagnose,
and initial treatments and tests can run extremely high,
and I just don't have the money
to do anything other than wait with you...
I can't even afford the fees the vet would require
to take you out of your misery,
and I hate it that I can't do any better for you than that.
If it is hurting you,
know that it is hurting me, as well,
and while I don't feel the physical pain,
the emotional and mental pain is nearly crippling my mind,
and it shouldn't be this way for either of us.
In this world of the almighty dollar, however,
there is no other way for us to do anything else,
except wait, and love each other,
and try not to cry...
Try not to cry.

shiloh (74.65.121.49) -- Monday, October 13 2008, 09:00 am

Whisper....
...was laid to rest on the ninth of october, after nine years of blessing our family with his life. We will always miss him.

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