my mother died again last night,
just like she's done before,
and i smelled the old, familiar smell
of the hospital corridor
as I walked to her room,
and saw the closed door.

she never wanted to have her door closed,
and it was always left open.
but this time she couldn't complain,
and it was the way they did it
when someone had left -
they closed the door.

she was only fifty-five,
but she'd been dying for years,
and while she, and others, may have known it,
no one had told me.
I knew she was very sick,
but I didn't know she had cancer.

I had gotten so used to her going into the hospital,
then coming back home again after a while,
that I just thought that it would happen again,
and she would be home and things would be better...
but I didn't realize that everyone has only so much time,
and then they have to leave.

our relationship was a strange one for a mother and a son,
with very little emotion, a lack of hugs or kisses,
and I really don't remember the words, "I love you..."
but I accepted that, not knowing anything else,
and it wasn't until many years later
that I found out, and understood, what I had missed.

second-guessing, I wonder, if I had ever expressed emotion,
would her life had been any better, any happier?
would my life had been any different?
I can't imagine that I never said the words,
but I don't remember, so I really can't say,
and I really don't know if our lives would have been any different.

maybe it's for this reason (or some other reason?)
that I waken from the dream, and can't go back to sleep -
it always returns around Mother's Day,
when I remember that I did have a mother,
even though that fact didn't include all the things
that normally go along with having a mother...

I wish I knew how to put the dream to rest,
I wish I knew if I could have made any difference,
I wish I knew if she was happy, or if I was happy,
but the answers are beyond reach,
and all I can do is wonder,
and hope the dream doesn't return next year.

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