I'm working real hard at it.
Do you know how hard it is to do this?
It's tougher than almost anything I've ever experienced before,
in my whole life.
Tougher than funerals,
tougher than war,
tougher than fear,
tougher than uncertanties,
tougher than taking that next step,
when all you really want to do is lay down and quit.
I'm trying to do it, though.
Some days I'm pretty good at it,
and I can go a whole slew of hours
without thinking about the ache,
the hurt,
the loss,
or the necessity of enduring those things.
And other days I can't make it ten minutes.
But the weakest times are late at night,
or really early in the morning,
when I'm tired,
my guard is down,
and my mind relaxes a little,
and my heart takes over
and remembers,
and thinks about what didn't happen,
what wouldn't happen,
and makes me see what could have happened,
if only —
if only....
but there isn't any more than that.
I'm trying to do what you want me to do.
I'm trying to work away from the thoughts,
the memories,
the wants,
the hopelessness of it all....
But sometimes I end up thinking, remembering...
and sometimes... I end up crying.

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