Dear friend,

I have so much going in in my head that it's starting to scare me. One minute I'm completely fine, and the next I start thinking about jumping in front of a bus, I think about how many ways there are to die, and I came to the conclusion that I want it to be quick, when I'm walking through the streets, I sometimes imagine that someone just shoots me on the head and that'll be it, I'll never know I'll just die, not knowing anything about it, no pain, no more suffering, nothing. I was meaning for this letter to be a little more 2 sided, but right now I think I need to talk about what's hurting me the most. There's a few things,
I had my appendix removed a couple of months ago, and they did a biopsy on it, and found some mucin there, which turns out to be pseudomyxoma peritonei which is a rare slow growing form of cancer, I don't know for sure yet if I have it, as they don't know if any of the mucin got into my stomach, if it did, then there are 2 options, 1- to wait and watch, which basically means I will have cancer but I will have to wait for the tumours to grow, and then have surgery to remove and chemo, 2- if there is a significant amount of the mucin then I may have to have large needles into my stomach to try and kill it. I haven't heard anything just yet, so I'm hoping no news is good news and I won't have it at all and that it would of stayed in my appendix.

Then out of nowhere my biological father gets in touch after nearly 20 years of his absence. Which really caught me off guard and I started to think about my childhood, it sounds weird, but I never think about it, I don't reminisce to when I was a child, and only now do I really know why I don't, I really had a terrible childhood, my biological father disappears from my life when I was about 3 he made a few appearances through the next couple years, but the last time I actually saw him I was around 5-6 years old. I only have a few memories about him, more good than bad, but it's the bad ones which I seem to remember first when I think about him. he got in touch with me through the Salvation Army, my sister requested a letter and received one in just over a week, I then requested a letter 5 weeks ago and am still yet to receive anything, I guess I just feel abandoned all over again. Like he didn't ever want contact with me, just my sister. Oh and in the letter to my sister he writes 'but most of all I have missed your mother who I loved very much' that left me feeling like shit. That he could miss his ex wife more than his own children. I find that absolutely heart wrenching. It tears me apart inside.

I was mentally, physically and sexually abused, the sexual abuse started when I was 7 and stopped when I was around 9, but the verbal abuse didn't stop until I was about 14/15, my mother used to take me out to see her different boyfriends when I was younger, and she would drink cheap alcohol on the street with them, and I would sit there in different parts on London on the streets just waiting for the police to come and move us on, or my mum get arrested and I'd be taken to the police station. I felt safe there, everytime I went, they took my to the cafeteria, bought me a can of coke, got me some colouring pens, and I'd draw and colour until it was time to go back. None of my brothers or sisters lived with my mum for long, she gave my eldest brother to her mum to look after, my sister went to live with her mum when she was 11, my 2 other brothers were taken away from her, and so I guess she didn't really know what to do with me. I was just there. Something she had to take along with her when she went out. She used to spend her money on alcohol and fags, which meant there wasn't ever really much money to spend on food or gas or electric, I remember quite a few long nights at home. Scary nights, I used to wish that I could grow up and run as far as I could, but now I find myself trying to care for my mum, she has become disabled and in a wheelchair, there's not much she can do for herself anymore, and I resent that I have to look after her when she's never looked after me. When she had always out everyone else before me. She would choose a man she had just met over her children any day of the week, she has done it many times before.

All I have ever wanted is to feel like I matter to someone, don't get me wrong i have some amazing friends, but I see them with their families, and that's all I ever want, I feel like no one in my family really cares that much, like I'm just some sort of chore they have to deal with once in a while, and that's really only 3 members of my family, my mum who calls me when she needs something, my sister when she wants to borrow money, or ask/tell me something about mum, and 1 cousin who occasionally send me a fb message or a text when she's drunk.

I may never get the happy family I have always wanted. And that to me is the scariest thought of all, not even dying scares me as much As not having a family of my own.

I'm really sorry that this letter has sounded so self indulgent, but I have never told anyone this much before, and I thought it might help. If you have read this far then thank you for taking the time out of your day. I know how precious time is, and time is not a thing to be wasted.

Yours

Clive xxx

I've signed my real name as this is the most personal thing I have ever shared, and it would feel wrong to use a screen name. Thank you again if you've read this. I know it long. But I really needed to tell someone.