When my Mother passed away it was not only hard to believe it was devastating!!! It felt like my whole world crumbled around me. I thought I was losing my mind. It reminded me of a horrible sad scene from a movie(you know the part where the parent dies and child is holding the parent's hand screaming don't go don't leave me??) Yea that was me, the only thing different it wasn't a movie. Her death was like a sucker punch to the gut, so sudden and so unexpected. I felt so sick, so scared and so alone. My God I had never felt so sick in my life as I did in that moment... (so I thought)

The day of her funeral was beyond heartbreaking, reality had really set in. She was gone!!!!! My Mother was really gone!!!! The sickness was back and I wanted to throw up. My insides hurt and the pain in my heart became so unbearable. The room was full of people walking up to me crying, hugging me and saying she is in a much better place. I didn't want to hear that! I couldn't stand to hear that! All I wanted to do was crawl inside that box and be with my Mother. I remember some saying I'm here if you need me and all I could do was shake my head and say thank you, when I really wanted to say I don't need you! I need my Mother! So much anger would come over me when they would say that, because they couldn't bring her back. No one could not even me.

I remember thinking silly things ( like if I was magic I could just wish her back ) You do things like that when you love someone that much. I found myself begging and pleading with God, trying to even make deals with him. But nothing I did worked. Nothing could bring her back to me... not magic, not prayers, not any deals, not nothing. She was gone!! My Mother had died and now I was truly alone.

Life became different or I had changed, either way nothing was the same. I couldn't wake up without crying, I couldn't go to bed without crying. I couldn't eat, shower, or get dressed without crying. I couldn't speak to someone or go out in public without crying. I was honestly an emotional wreak. I was slowly dying from the inside out or so it seemed anyway.

I lost my Mother February the 24th, 2012; but I didn't die. I survived. I survived the most tragic heartbreak I had ever went through.

You know that saying? "Time Heals All" it really doesn't. Time just makes some days easier and on those days I am my old self again.... The Daughter who isn't Motherless.