This Secret
23 July, 2004
Author: Scorpio
What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to say?
I have you now, that's all I want
And yet, tears still stain my pillow
These emotions, too deep
Too untame to grasp
To put in mere words, I cannot explain
How did I ration myself to this?
I have gotten too attached
And yet, if I utter one sense of emotion
Become as feminine as my gender
How will you think of me then?
Not to be as strong as forseen
Will you turn away?
I don't know what to do
I'm afraid of the risk
For now I have fallen for you
And for you, I shall forever want to keep
Whatever am I to do of this?
This burden of depression I keep
I've gotten so weak
But this shall be kept secret
For I do not want you to leave
But how, tell me how
Can I get this darkness away from me?
------- Author's Notes -------
This poem is actually deticated to my boyfriend, even though he's not a poetic person. o-o; Anyway, my problem with relationships, my problem with life, is the fact I worry so much. Sometimes, I think I am meant to be alone, because I cannot handle being in a relationship; I often tend to worry of the outcomes, because a lot of the worst have happened to me. He isn't the emotional kind of person, and my emotions run way into depth, so much that I cannot explain them, which also upsets me. Even though he won't read this, I'm hoping others can understand this utterly pathetic depression I'm apparently going through. |
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Comments on this poem/writing:
| Terrie* (65.148.210.135) -- Friday, July 23 2004, 09:40 pm of your heart, this i know very well..first love at 20,married/lost him to death.after 13 years of being alone i have fallen in love all over again.yes all over again ..the worst is i'm like a rollercoaster right now. wanna be alone. but i feel his love from afar and i want to be so much a part of him, doesnt make sense i know (i drive him insane/he's so much man he understands/how'd i get so lucky?)..love has it's ways.and thats what you feel sweetie..i feel the same when i write,he reads but never comments.but then..it doesn't alter my love i know how he feels w/o words..great depth of feelings |
| Scorpio (67.162.95.179) -- Saturday, July 24 2004, 12:54 am I can relate to you. I, being thirteen, have lost my very first true love to death. Depressing, actually. A lot of the time, I felt like a large crush was love, but it could never fill that emptiness. And now, I honestly think I have it this time, like when I was first so in depth. I get tired of dating, after so long, sick of the same thing, and yet- I never get tired of him. I can really relate and understand to your comment, being alone, but wanting to love. A lot of the times, I'm afraid to tell him or a lot of others how I feel. But I suppose it's for the best. |
| Meridian (152.163.253.8) -- Saturday, July 24 2004, 02:44 am Whoa! You're intelligent! I thought you were at least 15 or 16.....I guess, love will find a way somehow.... I hope you don't get depressed too much... I think you're saying, how you worry too much about if the relationship will go downhill, or not.... Wondering if you two will be together for a long time, because your past relationships didn't work to well, and didn't stay long... I hope things do work out for the best! Take care girl! Smiles, -Meridian |
| Scorpio (67.162.95.179) -- Saturday, July 24 2004, 06:11 am Thank you very much. I always enjoy compliment and praise of being intelligent and mature. But love does get around, I suppose. It wouldn't really depict of age, gender, race, or anything else, really. But you're right, how my poem is. Most of the time, I can't put what I want to say in words, so it's leading me to believe I have some sort of speech disorder. Nonetheless, my depression and this lead me to tears and often, people do not know why. If I were to try and talk to someone, I could only sit there, quite pathetic. But I guess through him and those who care, I still get to hang on by a bit, able to still breathe life's air. Thank you very much and take care. Smiles back. |
| Ash (63.53.137.240) -- Monday, July 26 2004, 03:48 am I loved the poem and your notes that followed. I feel as if im in the same situation as you are right now. I love my boyfriend, but he isnt the emotional type either. I get sad and depressed very easily and doesnt know what to do for me because he isnt emotional and doesnt know how to deal in those situations. But anyway i just wanted to let you know that we may be in the same boat...lol. Best of luck to ya! |
| Scorpio (67.162.95.179) -- Monday, July 26 2004, 09:06 am Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Ironic as it is, there are many who endure the same situation, so it doesn't surprise me. Well, I hope it works out for you on your depression. Most of the nights, I end up crying and for the reason, I don't know. My boyfriend does have his soft sides, but I'm afraid if I got all clingy-emotional with him, he'd be really turned off. So I just keep it to myself. But if we're in the same boat, let me give you some of the information I use. :P I usually don't eat that much chocolate, too sweet. But when this happens, i just grab out a box of chocolate ice cream, even if I'm not in the mood and just watch comedy. It tends to work for me a lot and I often call it my antidepressant. It might not work for you, but if you find something that ends up making you happy, use it to your advantage! Thanks once again and best luck to you too! |
| Tarna (4.226.171.1) -- Monday, July 26 2004, 10:27 am Two words of advise on your authors note "STOP IT" when you feel like that tell yourself to stop and focus on enjoying what you have right now. Don't dwell and don't worry if you are worthy or if you are good at love. Obviously your significant other feels that you are... Perhaps they are right so count the blessing.. I know easier said than done... But try those two words on yourself at least it might make you crack a smile at yourself for the silliness and break the mood cause sometimes that is all it takes... The poem.... I think it expressed well the same feelings as your author's note the overwhelming nature and pressure of the responsibility of being significant in anothers life,,, good read |
| Scorpio (67.162.95.179) -- Monday, July 26 2004, 04:38 pm To be quite honest, I have nothing really to look forward to nowadays. Positive encouragement is what I could use in a time like this, but apparently, it's not doing its part. I have dwelled on my depression and sadness for over seven years, enduring asylums, hospitalizations, and ridicules of my peers. I am kind to others as I try to be, and yet I am constantly being bitched at. My worries are the only thing I have left, and though I want to rid of them, I fear I would rid of what I try to think of as my positive possessions, even though they don't seem to do much. Personally, I just write what I feel. I happen to post them here, since nothing is on my time. I don't really expect anything from anyone of them, but I suppose the advice is somewhat expected. My moods are quite odd, I tend to end up crying until I can't breathe for no reason whatsoever and there is no logical explination to my happenings, and I highly doubt these problems are hormones, for many reasons. Nonetheless, thank you. |
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