My Heart Laid To Rest.... by Terrie*

in this you will read my heart without a shield
"it is rather long"
it may help you read between the lines of why i write as i do..
because like you i have love alive in my heart

Today August 09 2004
would of been my 26 anniversary
of happy years w/my husband

If...
he would of survived his 2nd heart attack on August 02,1991
the day death separated his heart from mine
instead it marks the 13 anniversary of his remains being laid to rest
and of those many years
I lived without him at my side..

Over the years and even to this day
folks often ask me....
do you still miss him Terrie?
and the answer is yes, yes I do ..

I miss him so badly that my heart still bleeds
something inside
even as I close my eyes
and look further in
something magical pulsates my heart
like it always had

even though I say I will..
I still I find it so hard to move on
I think I have done a fairly good job
when I asked God to come into my life

I still have fear....
of many things that I must face alone..
I fear...
I'll never find the same comfort
the same love that he offered and had given me
he worked so hard to please me
and to make a good life for our little family
all his life in what ever he did
he always gave the best of his heart..
even though he is not living today
he's still giving his best
I miss him more and more upon every anniversary day

I live day by day knowing Christ will always be in my life
I love to listen to the soothing sounds of christian music
like a baby it pacifys my heart

I keep Jesus close to my heart
I seek him for counsel in everything I do

I love him so much
I fear I may ask of him way too much.
my love for him may not be quite enough
for what I ask in this life

I had a man whom made me his wife,
and I loved him more than words could say,
in the beginning of our life his job kept him away from me.
later in life together forever we thought
until life threw us another bad curve
we got a wake up call
quickly I took on the role of a job outside the home
I remember it all like it was yesterday..
I worried constantly about all three
my daughter had just turned 7
my son was a little over 5
we learned to adjust lived life day by day.
I'll never forget ..
no matter how hard I try
the after shock the one that rocked my world
the one that blew me away.
the one that gave no warning
all because I refused to see
and believe he was leaving me..

my love died before I could hold him
for the last time in my arms ,
i asked permission to be alone for the final time
I went to him and placed my bare flesh against his for the last time before his body became hard and cold.
with tears rolling down my cheek
my whole life and my heart shattered before my eyes..
my lover my friend my companion my husband just left me all alone

I was not able to see , stand or do anything I instructed myself to do..
what am I gonna do he was my life he was my heart beat.
he was my everythiing
now he is gone..

His love may never be replaced
when I go visit his grave , which I know he isn't there anymore, just the memories of that sad day
one time it was the happiest for us when we wed..
we tried so hard to have a family of our own..
after losing 5 sons to miscarraiges and almost lost our daughter to a stillbirth ,our sons birth was rushed one month in advance to ensure a healthy child. and risking another loss
the sacrafice he made to keep me alive when our son was born
lord knows the heart aches he and I went thru

but our patience paid off he left me with the biggest part of his love..
a daughter and a son sure enough to make any father proud...
both were born from love and both were our miracle babies from the womb.

forever in this life the three of us will be ..
we know the secrets to love of our kind,
give space, trust and from there love grows and flows beyond.
they are my buddies my best friends,
if it wasn't for them
my life would be so empty

As you may all have known...
After so many years of being alone

God has placed a new love in my life
and has placed his blessings upon he and i
and as strong as my love for him is
I want to please him in every possible way
he loves my children
as if they were his own
they too are forming a bond of loving him
and having him around
I think they're happy to break the umbilical cord from me .just kidding..
he is very private in a lot of little things
he knows that I will follow where ever life leads
as i stand behind him
in whatever God has in store
for the four of us
thank you all
may GOD BLESS YOU AS HE DID ME.....

I will continue to visit my late Husbands grave

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