My Personal Pain by Cheryl

Baby dying.
Fighting for his life.
I'm crying.
Not capable of rational thought or action.
I remember so much.
I remember nothing at all.
All I know is the pain.
Cannot think of others.
My head doesn't belong to me.
Selfish? Maybe.
But unaware of anyone else's thoughts and feelings.
My baby was dying!
All I knew was the pain.
My own pain.
The one time I didn't think about your feelings, I hurt you.
I normally think about your feelings more than you could ever know.
You don't realise how actively I seek to protect your feelings.
Perhaps too much.
I'm sorry if that causes offence.

Time passes quickly.
Time also drags.
My head all over the place.
Pain worse than childbirth itself.
To lose a child is excruitiating.
You haven't lost me.
No-one is taking me away from you either but only one thing can successfully.
The same force that almost took my baby.
Death.
My child survived.
Only just.
Severely disabled.
Affects us all.
Cope alone, it feels at times.
Some friends disappear - yeah, some friends!
Help is a precious rareity.

I'm not going to leave you Mum, you've got no worries on that score.
You're my Mum, my in-laws can't change that, nor have they tried to.
They know you're my Mum.
So, please don't worry.
I made a mistake by not thinking about your feelings while my baby was dying.
I'm so sorry.
Really, I am.

Terrie* (65.136.7.218) -- Friday, November 7 2003, 06:41 am

1st. priorities are precious...
sorry to hear this sadness..when one is dealing with an illness or some major health emergency involving a loved one..we fear the worst...one doesn't have to play hostess to the crowd..your first priority is your loved one..if they knew what you were battling up against they would give you the space you need..we all need our own personal space to breath, to look into ones own soul..
over all...those that are important to you will recover and understand that what you went thru was far more important at the time and very frightening.....and that you meant nothing if nothing was said..it will all be resolved...i wish you well...do not be too hard on yourself...This was a great poem...

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